What has been happening to me? The last two months I’ve been faced with experiences that have left me dumbfounded. The feeling that the rug has been snatched from under my feet, and I lie there watching as the solid foundations I thought had been laid turn to lava and melt away any preempted outcomes. "The chickens counted before being hatched" is a very useful metaphor here. I’ve landed myself in a place of not knowing, and in such a fantastically fabulous way that I cannot help but applaud my surreptitious, sadomasochistic subconscious for its endless creativity and vivacious flair. I’ve been reminded and, in many ways, humbled that my path back to wholeness is one of consistent trial and error, of heretic and martyr, and that holding either or is not conducive to my evolution. I am here to walk my own way. That is to say, no one before me has ever walked the same path, and I’m “alone” with my tailor’s chalk, mapping and marking the fabric of my life without a pattern or indeed a perfect pair of scissors. What is “perfect” anyway?
The dictionary states that it’s:
having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it could possibly be.
free from any flaws or defects; faultless.
I can already see the inevitable paradox here. On one hand, I know from experience that we (humans) do indeed have all of the required or desired elements, characteristics, and qualities we need to be/feel whole, but that the keys to finding these parts are found through exploring our faults, flaws, and defects, which, from my inner-standing, makes us all perfectly imperfect from the start… right?
Either way, from sitting with my perfectly imperfect self and reflecting, contemplating the uncomfortableness of each situation, it has really allowed me to enter a place of peace that I hadn’t ever experienced before. This by no means states I’ve found it and can hold it consistently (not yet anyway), but rather a part of it that had escaped me before, and it came to me in the form of surrender. I’ve had to drop all weapons and accept what I was being offered (by my own design no less) as protection instead of rejection. I’ve had to completely soften and take off my battle armour. I’ve had to turn a real compassionate eye to all those involved and find peace in being able to see something that “they” cannot, and hold myself accountable for how I act/react towards everything in my reality.
This is a REALLY HUGE pill to swallow... and I thank the goddess for my gag reflex. In my light holding of paradoxes, I’ve been able to cultivate reverence for all. I’ve found that wholeness is what we already are. I wouldn’t have found this out were it not for those who would “trespass” against me, and I feel it’s called radical forgiveness. Going around and around and around inside with those who did me wrong and vice versa until I came to the inner-standing that there is nothing to forgive because all parts (good, bad, right, wrong, etc.) ALL make up the whole!
For instance, I wouldn’t have been able to sit where I am right now writing this if I hadn’t gone through the lessons of rejection, exploitation, and, in some cases, abuse. They had to happen. One of the reasons I say jokingly that my subconscious/true self is a sadomasochist. Having faith in this part of myself, the inner guidance, my courageous compass may have allowed for a smattering of grey hairs to sprout, but the sense of groundedness, serenity in the midst of chaos, and my ability to make certain choices have been stronger than ever.
Each day I wake up, I don’t know what’s going to happen. Each morning the mind wanders into fear and scarcity, into survival, because the things it once used to project stability and security onto are no longer there. I listen to myself slowly encourage it to turn in the opposite direction, from hoping into having. It’s reminding myself of what is here right now. As soon as I remember that all of my survival needs are met, then I can relax and open up to the limitless possibilities that might unfold. It’s reparenting myself on so many levels. Before I so much as move in bed, I reassure, I nurture, I hold, and remind myself that it’s all working out just as it’s supposed to.
In the “not having” comes a wealth of lessons about how much I do have, and from there comes resourcefulness as well as a sense of resilience. I also tell myself that my path is being designed by me as I go, and no matter how much I scream, or shout and pout, the only one that is coming to save the child that believes on some level that they aren’t wanted is me. I do this by showing up for myself in this way each morning. I do this each moment it feels too much or that I feel I’m not enough. In showing up (consistently), I am reminding myself that I am wanted, I’m healing the part that feels rejected, and I’m aware that I’m recreating scenarios so that I can get a chance to repeat these lessons and learn some more about myself as I go.
I’ve learnt that my self-worth is not attached to my career, to my relationships, to my finances, or anything else rooted in societal conditioning of what is and what is not considered to be an achievement. My real worth is connected to who I really am and the calming acceptance of myself that includes a deep appreciation of my flaws and defects, as well as consistent (that word again) celebration of my strengths, victories, and unending evolution of my body, mind, and spirit.
The last two months have been about cultivating a sense of worth that exists independently of any specific outcome or approval. This has had me going around in circles at times, wondering/hoping that today might be the day when my ships FINALLY come in, and then I catch myself in that moment, preempting an outcome, and so I have to concede to not knowing. To trusting. Trusting that I’ve already planted the seeds that will eventually allow my outer reality to change, and right now I’ve been gifted this wonderful opportunity to evoke the necessary changes on the inside. To unmask and discover who and what my inner magician really is.
The balancing act between all things is a real game, and so, I continue to play it in each moment as each glimmer turns to glimpse and then evolves into gnosis...
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